Biltmore Oswald Page 16
"Don't mind that, sonny," he said, "I'll pump the fear-o'-God into theheart of any P.O. what endeavors to disturb you. Trust me."
I did.
"Now getting back to this mermaid," he began in a confidential voice,"what I say as I didn't claim to have saw. It happened this way andwhat I'm telling you, sonny, is the plain, unvarnished facts of thecase, take 'em or leave 'em as you will. They happened and I'm here totell the whole world so."
"I have every confidence in you, chief," I replied mildly.
"It is well you have," he growled, scanning my face suspiciously."It's well you have, you louse."
"Why, chief," I exclaimed in an aggrieved voice, "isn't that rather anunappetizing word to apply to a fellow creature?"
"Mayhap, young feller," he replied, "mayhap. I ain't no deep seadictionary diver, I ain't, but all this has got nothing to do withwhat I was about to tell you. It all happened after this manner,neither no more nor no less."
He cleared his throat and gazed with undisguised hostility across theparade ground. Thus he began:
"It was during the summer of 1888, some thirty odd years ago," quothhe. "I was a bit young then, but never such a whey face as you,certainly not."
"Positively," said I, in hearty agreement.
"At that time," he continued, not noticing my remark, "I was restingeasy on a soft job between cruises as night watchman on one of themP.O. docks at Dover. The work warn't hard, but it was hard enough. Iwould never have taken it had it not been for the unpleasant fact thatowing to some little trouble I had gotten into at one of the pubs mywife was in one of her nasty, brow-beating moods. At these times thesolitude and the stars together with the grateful companionship of acouple of buckets of beer was greatly to be preferred to my little oldhome. So I took the job and accordingly spent my nights sitting withmy back to a pile, my legs comfortably stretched out along the rim ofthe dock and a bucket of beer within easy reach."
"Could anything be fairer than that?" said I.
"Nothing," said he, and continued. "Well, one night as I was sittingthere looking down in the water as a man does when his mind is emptyand his body well disposed, I found myself gazing down into twoglowing pools that weren't the reflections of stars. Above these twoflecks of light was perched a battered old leghorn hat after the styleaffected in the music halls of those days. Floating out back of thishat on the water was a long wavery coil of filmy hair, the face wasshaded, but two long slim arms were thrust out of the water toward me,and following these arms down a bit I was shocked and surprised tofind that further than the hat the young lady below me was apparentlyinnocent of garments. Now I believe in going out with the boys whenthe occasion demands and making a bit of a time of it, but my folkshave always been good, honest church people and believers in good,strong, modest clothing and plenty of 'em. I have always followedtheir example."
"Reluctantly and at a great distance," said I.
"Not at all," said he and continued. "So when I sees the condition theyoung lady was in I was naturally very much put out and I didn'thesitate telling her so.
"'Go home,' says I, 'and put your clothes on. You ought to be ashamedof yourself--a great big girl like you.'
"'Aw, pipe down, old grizzle face,' says she; 'wot have you got in thebucket?' And if you will believe me she began raising herself out ofthe water. 'Give me some,' says she.
"'Stop,' I cries out exasperated; 'stop where you are; you've gone farenough. For shame.'
"'I'll come all the way out,' says she, laughing, 'unless you give mesome of wot you got in that bucket.'
"'Shame,' I repeated, 'ain't you got no sense of decency?'
"'None wot so ever,' she replied, 'but I'm awfully thirsty. Gimme adrink or out I'll come.'
"Now you can see for yourself that I couldn't afford to have a womanin her get-up sitting around with me on the end of a dock, beingmarried as I was and my folks all good honest church folks, and brightmoon shining in the sky to boot, so I was just naturally forced togive in to the brazen thing and reach her down the bucket, a full oneat that. It came back empty and she was forwarder than ever.
"'Say,' she cries out, swimming around most exasperatingly, 'you're anice old party. What do your folks know you by?'
"I told her my name was none of her business and that I was a marriedman and that I wished she'd go away and let me go on with my nightwatching.
"'I'm married too,' says she, in a conversational tone, 'to an awfulmess. You're pretty fuzzy, but I'd swap him for you any day. Come oninto the sea with me and we'll swim down to Gold Fish Arms and stickaround until we get a drink. I know lots of the boys down there. Thereain't no liquor dealers where I come from,' and with this if you willbelieve me she flips a bucket full of water into my lap with theneatest little scale spangled tail you ever seen.
"'No,' says I, 'my mind's made up. I ain't agoing to go swimmingaround with no semi-stewed, altogether nude mermaid. It ain't right.It ain't Christian.'
"'I got a hat,' says she reflectively, 'and I ain't so stewed but wotI can't swim. Wot do you think of that hat? One of the boys stole itfrom his old woman and gave it to me. Come on, let's take a swim.'
"'No,' says I, 'I ain't agoing.'
"'Just 'cause I ain't all dolled up in a lot of clothes?' says she.
"'Partly,' says I, 'and partly because you are a mermaid. I ain'tagoing messing around through the water with no mermaid. I ain't neverdone it and I ain't agoing to begin it now.'
"'If I get some clothes on and dress all up pretty, will you goswimming with me then?' she asks pleadingly.
"'Well that's another thing,' says I, noncommittal like.
"'All right,' says she, 'gimme something out of that other bucket andI'll go away. Come on, old sweetheart,' and she held up her arms tome.
"Well, I gave her the bucket and true to form she emptied it. Then shebegan to argue and plead with me until I nearly lost an ear.
"'No,' I yells at her, 'I ain't agoing to spend the night arguing witha drunken mermaid. Go away, now; you said you would.'
"'All right, old love,' she replies good-naturedly, 'but I'll see youagain some time. I ain't ever going home again. I hate it down there.'And off she swims in an unsteady manner in the direction of the GoldFish Arms. She was singing and shouting something terrible.
"'Oh, bury me not on the lonesome prairie Where the wild coyotes howl o'er me,'
was the song she sang and I wondered where she had ever picked it up.
"Well," continued the chief, "to cast a sheep shank in a long line,these visits kept up every evening until I was pretty near drovedistracted. Along she'd come about sun-down and stick around devilin'me and drinking up all my grog. After a while she began calling forgin and kept threatening me until I just had to satisfy her. She alsomade me buy her a brush and comb, a mouth organ and a pair ofspectacles, together with a lot of other stuff on the strength of thefact that if I refused she would make a scene. In this way that doggonmermaid continually kept me broke, for my wage warn't enough to makeme heavy and I had my home to support.
"'Don't you ever go home?' I asked her one night.
"'No,' she replied, 'I ain't ever going back home. I don't like itdown there. There ain't no liquor dealers.'
"'But your husband,' exclaims I. 'What of him?'
"'I know,' says she, 'but I don't like him and I'm off my baby, too.It squints,' says she.
"'But all babies squint,' says I.
"'Mine shouldn't,' says she. 'It ain't right.'
"Then one night an awful thing happened. My wife came down to the dockto find out how I spent all my money. It was a bright moon-lit nightand this lost soul of a mermaid was hanging around, particularlyjilled and entreati
ng. I was just in the act of passing her down thegin flask and she was saying to me, 'Come on down, old love; you knowyou're crazy about me,'