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  BILTMORE OSWALD

  _THE DIARY OF A HAPLESS RECRUIT_

  BY

  J. THORNE SMITH, JR.U.S.N.R.F.

  _WITH 31 ILLUSTRATIONS IN BLACK-AND-WHITE_

  BY

  RICHARD DORGAN("_Dick Dorgan_")U.S.N.R.F.

  NEW YORK

  FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY

  PUBLISHERS

  _Copyright, 1918, by_

  _Frederick A. Stokes Company__All Rights Reserved_

  _Reprinted from_THE BROADSIDEA JOURNAL FORTHE NAVAL RESERVE FORCE

  DEDICATION

  To my buddies, an unscrupulous, clamorous crew of pirates, as loyaland generous a lot as ever returned a borrowed dress jumper with dirtytapes; to numerous jimmy-legs and P.O.'s whose cantankerous tempershave furnished me with much material for this book; and also to a dog,an admirable dog whom I choose to call Mr. Fogerty, with apologies tothis dog if in these pages his slave has unwittingly maligned hischaracter or in any way cast suspicion upon his moral integrity.

  LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

  "Biltmore Oswald" _Frontispiece_

  "'Do you enlist for foreign service?' he snapped. 'Sure,' I replied, 'it will all be foreign to me'" 2

  "The departure was moist" 3

  "Hospital apprentice treated me to a shot of Pelham 'hop'" 4

  "I feel like a masquerade" 5

  "This, I thought, was adding insult to injury" 6

  "Mother kept screaming through the wire about my underwear" 7

  "A bill from a restaurant for $18.00 worth of past luncheons" 8

  "He missed the dirty whites, but I will never be the same" 9

  "Fire drill" 10

  "This is designed to give us physical poise" 11

  "Liberty Party" 14

  "Of course I played the game no more" 20

  "She was greatly delighted with the Y.M.C.A." 21

  "I wasn't so very wrong--just the slight difference between port and present arms" 24

  "The first thing he did was to mix poor dear grandfather a drink" 25

  "I was tempted to shoot the cartridge out just to make it lighter" 28

  "One fourth of the entire Pelham field artillery passed over my body" 29

  "The procedure, of course, did not go unnoticed" 32

  "This war is going to put a lot of Chinamen out of business" 44

  "I stood side-ways, thus decreasing the possible area of danger" 45

  "I'm a God-fearing sailor man who is doing the best he can to keep clean" 48

  "I took him around and introduced him to the rest of the dogs and several of the better sort of goats" 49

  "I resumed my slumber, but not with much comfort" 52

  "I lost completely something in the neighborhood of 10,000 men" 53

  "Fogerty came bearing down on me in a cloud of dust" 58

  "For the most part, however, he sat quietly on my lap and sniffed" 59

  "I carried all the flour to-day that was raised last year in the southern section of the State of Montana" 76

  "'Oh,' said Tony, 'I thought this was a restaurant'" 77

  "'I would still remain in a dense fog,' I gasped in a low voice" 82

  "'Buddy' I came in and 'Buddy' I go out" 83

  BILTMORE OSWALD

  _The Diary of A Hapless Recruit_

  _Feb. 23d._ "And what," asked the enlisting officer, regarding me asif I had insulted him, his family and his live stock, "leads you tobelieve that you are remotely qualified to join the Navy?"

  At this I almost dropped my cane, which in the stress of my patrioticpreoccupation I had forgotten to leave home.

  "Nothing," I replied, making a hasty calculation of my numeroususeless accomplishments, "nothing at all, sir, that is, nothing tospeak of. Of course I've passed a couple of seasons at BarHarbor--perhaps that--"

  "Bar Harbor!" exploded the officer. "Bar! bah! bah--dammit," he brokeoff, "I'm bleating."

  "Yes, sir," said I with becoming humility. His hostility increased.

  "Do you enlist for foreign service?" he snapped.

  "Sure," I replied. "It will all be foreign to me."

  The long line of expectant recruits began to close in upon us until athirsty, ingratiating semi-circle was formed around the officer'sdesk. Upon the multitude he glared bitterly.

  "Orderly! why can't you keep this line in some sort of shape?"

  "Yes, give the old tosh some air," breathed a worthy in my ear as heretreated to his proper place.

  "What did you do at Bar Harbor?" asked the officer, fixing me with hisgaze.

  "Oh," I replied easily, "I occasionally yachted."

  "On what kind of a boat?" he urged.

  "Now for the life of me, sir, I can't quite recall," I replied. "Itwas a splendid boat though, a perfect beauty, handsomely fitted up andall--I think they called her the 'Black Wing.'"

  These few little remarks seemed to leave the officer flat. He regardedme with a pitiful expression. There was pain in his eyes.

  "You mean to say," he whispered, "that you don't know what kind of aboat it was?"

  "Unfortunately no, sir," I replied, feeling really sorry for thewounded man.

  "Do you recall what was the nature of your activities aboard thismysterious craft?" he continued.

  "Oh, indeed I do, sir," I replied. "I tended the jib-sheet."

  "Ah," said he thoughtfully, "sort of specialized on the jib-sheet?"

  "That's it, sir," said I, feeling things taking a turn for the better."I specialized on the jib-sheet."

  "What did you do to this jib-sheet?" he continued.

  "I clewed it," said I promptly, dimly recalling the impassionedinstructions an enthusiastic friend of mine had shunted at methroughout the course of one long, hot, horrible, confused afternoonof the past summer--my first, and, as I had hoped at the time, finalsailing experience.

  The officer seemed to be lost in reflection. He was probably weighingmy last answer. Then with a heavy sigh he took my paper and wrotesomething mysterious upon it.

  "I'm going to make an experiment of you," he said, holding the paperto me. "You are going to be a sort of a test case. You're the worstapplicant I have ever had. If the Navy can make a sailor out of you itcan make a sailor out of anybody"; he paused for a moment, then addedemphatically, "without exception."

  "Thank you, sir," I replied humbly.

  "Report here Monday for physical examination," he continued, waving mythanks aside. "And now go away."

  "'DO YOU ENLIST FOR FOREIGN SERVICE?' HE SNAPPED.'SURE,' I REPLIED, 'IT WILL ALL BE FOREIGN TO ME'"]

  I accordingly went, but as I did so I fancied I caught the reflectionof a smile lurking guiltily under his mustache. It was the sort of asmile, I imagined at the time, that might flicker across the grimvisage of a lion in the act of anticipating an approaching trip to aprosperous native village.

  _Feb. 25th._ I never fully appreciated what a truly democratic nationthe United States was until I beheld it naked, that is, until I behelda number of her sons in that condition. Nakedness is the mostdemocratic of all institutions. Knock-knees, warts and chilblains,bowlegs, boils and bay-windows are respecters of no caste or creed,but visit us all alike. These profound reflections came to me as Istood with a large gathering of my fellow creatures in the offices ofthe physical examiner.

  "Never have I seen a more unpromising candidate in all my pastexperience," said the doctor moodily when I presented myself beforehim, and thereupon he proceeded t
o punch me in the ribs with a vigorthat seemed to be more personal than professional. When thoroughlyexhausted from this he gave up and led me to the eye charts, which Iread with infinite ease through long practise in following the WorldSeries in front of newspaper buildings.

  "Eyes all right," he said in a disappointed voice. "It must be yourfeet."

  These proved to be faultless, as were my ears and teeth.

  "You baffle me," said the doctor at last, thoroughly discouraged."Apparently you are